Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I…
Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her
DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me,…
Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly
The post Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes
You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new. The Onion : Can we get you anything…
Supreme Court Finally Makes Landmark Ruling on ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ Case
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court finally arrived at a landmark decision on the infamous case between Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, confirmed sources who were finally ready to put this proceeding to bed. “As we all know, SCOTUS looks at every case…
I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Charlie Brown’, So This Halloween We’ll Watch ‘Terrifier 2’ Instead
I’ll never forget the taunting instrumental jazz diddy, the dirty children with their scrawled notebook faces, the emaciated outhouse dog with his brain-damaged loyalism. Yes, I’m talking about Peanuts, the psychotic crew of precocious depressives, and…
Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg
An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think? “So they get no credit for leaving her arms attached?” José Ariceaga, Bingo Master…
Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’
NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown…
New Mexico Changes Name to “Fuck Trump”
Jeffrey Keenan on Unsplash SANTA FE (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Donald J. Trump’s demand that it change its name to “New America,” on Thursday New Mexico announced that it was renaming itself “Fuck Trump.” The…
Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War
Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you…