Desperate JD Vance Rebrands Himself by Converting to Islam
Franco Origlia/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperate to rebrand himself after Tuesday’s Republican wipeout, on Thursday JD Vance revealed that he has converted to Islam. Read more
Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins
WASHINGTON—Exhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. “Oh God, no, it’s not even 2027 yet—what do you…
Chuck Schumer Delivers Victory Speech To Previously Enthusiastic Crowd
WASHINGTON—Their raucous cheers plunging to near pin-drop silence in a manner of seconds, presumptive Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) delivered a victory speech Tuesday night to a previously enthusiastic crowd. Sources told reporters that…
Melania Can’t Believe Trump Thinks They Have a “Let’s Take the Cyanide Together” Level Relationship
WASHINGTON—Melania Trump, wife of President Trump, was reportedly confused and extremely put off by her husband’s recent assumption that, when the time came, they would die together, sources within the White House confirm. “As soon as the…
Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026
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Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026
The post Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened
The post Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened appeared first on The Onion.
YES WE CAN Only Have 44 Or So Senators Backing a Fascist Child Molester
Hey fam, remember optimism? You know, from the Obama years? Well, guess the fuck what? We’re doing it again! It’s been a rough decade, but I, for one, am PROUD to say I live in a country where only 44% of my most powerful legislative body supports an…
Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator
The post Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator appeared first on The Onion.
On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America’s Next Top Model
WASHINGTON — Democrats are on a hot streak after winning the United States House of Representatives, Senate, and reality television competition show “America’s Next Top Model,” confirmed sources. “It is an honor to serve this country as a hot…