Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? “I’ll miss flipping past her face for a moment while looking for…
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
WASHINGTON — Rob Schneider, once the famed pariah of SNL and star of such classic films as ‘Deuce Bigalow’ and ‘The Hot Chick,’ filed for relevancy after 25 years of blissful invisibility from our collective awareness, sources close to the…
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.
It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is…
Hole
The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown. Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.
Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry
The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.
Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno…
Mamdani to Provide More Funding for New York City’s Ghostbusters
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he is pledging additional funding to the city’s Ghostbusters, confirmed sources. “New York City ain’t afraid of no ghosts,” said Mamdani outside of the converted firehouse that acts as the…
Man Dies At 27 Despite Not Being Cool
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man Albert Olmsted passed away at the age of 27 despite not even being remotely cool, familiar sources confirmed. “Let’s face it, 27 is such an iconic age to die at, but to be honest, Albert was not iconic at all,”…
Well, I Did It, I Got a Text From Every Democrat
A lot of people said it couldn’t be done. That there are too many Democrats; too many congressional races. There are too many state and local elections that you don’t even vote in, why would you receive text messages from those Democrats? To that I say…