Robert Plant Admits Hair Is Noodles
SHATTERFORD, England — Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant finally made a statement admitting that his hair is, in fact, noodles, confirmed sources who long suspected as much. “I’ve been afraid to tell people,” Plant shared while cleaning his hair using a…
Tips For Getting To School Safely
School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver…
The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond?
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Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again
The post Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again appeared first on The Onion.
ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves
ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? “Hopefully you can still opt in for the traditional beating.” Evilyn Hondo, Beet Slicer “They could also just rub…
Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends
CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could…
Dad’s Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old Shell Station Used To Be
CHICAGO—Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since 2002, local dad Kenan Volmer reportedly offered his children driving directions to their uncle’s house Thursday that…
Tommy Tuberville Opposes Contraception and All Other Polysyllabic Words
Drew Angerer/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining his opposition to birth control, Senator Tommy Tuberville said on Tuesday that he opposes contraception and all other words with more than one syllable. “I see the word…
‘Harry Potter’ Fans Force Relocation Of Undersea Cable To Avoid Fictional Elf’s Grave
Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the fake grave of the fictional house elf Dobby, the linkage now redirected to pass near actual Bronze Age human burial remains.…
Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid
BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific…