Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession
Japan passed deeply unpopular revisions surrounding imperial succession that allows only males to ascend to emperor, snubbing the popular Japanese Princess Aiko from becoming empress. What do you think? “You’d think a 1,500-year-old monarchy could get…
Should Food Cost More?
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Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through
The post Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through appeared first on The Onion.
Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup
OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from…
Democrats’ Secret Weapon in Mississippi? The Republican
Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, vehemently disavowing any ties to Nazis. (Photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images) Mississippi hasn’t had a Democratic senator since John C. Stennis, first elected during the Truman administration. But that might be about to…
Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either of them rounds it, aging goth couple Rob and Patricia Ferney acknowledged that, unfortunately, they barely scare each other anymore. “The years add up and, to our…
It’s Time We Talked About How Few Members of the Zombies Have Died and Come Back
There’s been something on my mind, and I’m tired of keeping it in. It’s time we talked about how few members of The Zombies have died and come back. I just feel like if you hear your friend say “Hey, I heard The Zombies are playing a gig tonight. Wanna…
Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle
HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed…
Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time
LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray…
Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy
Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?…