AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid
NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re…
Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream?
The post Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream? appeared first on The Onion.
LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute
The post LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute appeared first on The Onion.
Druid Loving This Cloak Weather
HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing…
‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver
LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal…
Millions of Americans Offer Trump $90 to Resign
Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a proposal that experts called unprecedented, on Tuesday over twenty million Americans offered Donald J. Trump ninety dollars each to resign from office. The Americans, all of whom…
Riley Gaines Places Fifth in Riley Gaines Lookalike Contest
GALATIN, Tenn. — Right-wing activist Riley Gaines took to social media to criticize the judges and participants of a Riley Gaines Lookalike Contest in which she only placed fifth, event organizers have confirmed. “No, no, no, this isn’t fair! I totally…
We Sat Down With Batman, Who Opened Up About His Rabies Diagnosis
Who wouldn’t want to be Batman? He’s rich, revered, and so handsome he makes a young Michael look like throw up and Ben Affleck look like Casey Affleck. But Batman has problems. The biggest one is rabies. On Monday, Bruce Wayne spoke out for the first…
Trump Boasts Tariffs A Huge Success At Making Things Expensive
WASHINGTON—Touting the enormous impact his trade policy has had on the economy, President Donald Trump boasted in a speech Monday that the tariffs he had imposed on goods from other countries had proven highly successful at making things more expensive.…
‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set
The post ‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set appeared first on The Onion.