How To Talk to Your Kids About Those Photos of You at the Vans Warped Tour
Like most punk-positive parents, you probably thought it was safe to slow down and start a family when festival founder Kevin Lyman declared that the Vans Warped Tour would come to an end after 2018. But now, like the tell-tale heart beating through…
Why Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” Didn’t Do the Novel Justice
When I first heard that Metallica had written an ode to Hemingway’s 1940 novel “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, I was ecstatic. Finally, the story of demolition expert Robert Jordan’s harrowing mission to destroy a bridge during the Segovia Offensive of the…
Total Lightweight Not Keeping Personal Demons to Himself
ATLANTA — A local weak-ass bitch regularly burdens his friends and family with his personal bullshit after a couple of light beers, according to sources trying to avoid him. “My therapist said that it’s helpful for me to openly discuss my struggles with…
Sandra Bullock Regrets ‘Practical Magic 2’ After Realizing She Could’ve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Expressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. “Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked…
Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm
The post Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm appeared first on The Onion.
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today’s NFL gear. Explore the uniform in detail Musk Compound Map BUILT-IN RADIO: LETS COACHES FEED PLAYERS CORRECT RESPONSES TO…
4D Chess: Trump Prevents Future 9/11’s by Preemptively Destroying Nation
They say the best defence is a good offense. That’s why brave leaders like Donald Trump are always in attack mode, from bombing historic rivals like Iran to starting economic trade wars on enemies we never even knew we had, like those bastards up in…
We Can’t Remember if Steve Buscemi Saved People on 9/11, Died During 9/11, or Committed 9/11 but Here’s a Photo of Steve Buscemi and 9/11
For most Americans reflecting on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, thoughts turn to the victims of the terrorist attacks and what we’ve learned as a nation since then. As major cinephiles though, we are mostly focused on Steve Buscemi. Mainly because we know…
25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed
The post 25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed appeared first on The Onion.
Australia Bans AI Music From Charts
Australia’s record industry banned music made entirely using AI from officially charting, responding to a version of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” produced using AI-generated vocals and drums which charted for 16 weeks. What do you think? “Real AI music fans…