Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed
The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion.
Mark Carney Offers Americans $6000 to Vote Against Republicans
Dave Chan / AFP via Getty Images OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an effort to “restore sanity,” on Thursday Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney offered every adult American $6000 to vote against Republicans in the midterms.…
Bombshell Report Reveals Netanyahu Had Advanced Warning Of Oct. 7 Attacks
An explosive report revealed that the United Arab Emirates warned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about an imminent attack by Hamas 10 days before Oct. 7, with Netanyahu reportedly dismissing the threat that would end up destabilizing the…
Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets
Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets As the weather cools down, millions of Americans are adjusting their wardrobes accordingly. The Onion asked celebrities to share their favorite fall fashion tips to help you look your best this…
Hyperrealistic ‘GTA VI’ Feature Makes Players Serve Out Prison Sentences In Real Time
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Touting the gameplay element as the ultimate immersive experience, Rockstar Games announced Thursday that a new hyperrealistic Grand Theft Auto VI feature would force players to serve out prison sentences in real time. “GTA VI…
Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities
WASHINGTON—Saying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nation’s blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11 attacks were happening every single day in Democratic cities. “You go to Seattle or…
The World According to Harp
The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion.
Donald Trump Threatens to Personally Give Every American Chlamydia if Republicans Lose the Midterms
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has doubled down on his questionable pledge to send every American $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress this November by alternatively promising to personally infect every American with a sexually…
Nunchuck Owner Just Itching for Reason to Nunchuck Something
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local nunchuck owner Rob Langford was reportedly just itching for a reason to nunchuck something while testing the weight of each of his weapon’s chained-together ends, confirmed sources. “Look, when you’re a nunchuck owner,…
Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk: Was a bit of a loner as an adult Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo…