Mamdani to Provide More Funding for New York City’s Ghostbusters
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he is pledging additional funding to the city’s Ghostbusters, confirmed sources. “New York City ain’t afraid of no ghosts,” said Mamdani outside of the converted firehouse that acts as the…
Man Dies At 27 Despite Not Being Cool
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man Albert Olmsted passed away at the age of 27 despite not even being remotely cool, familiar sources confirmed. “Let’s face it, 27 is such an iconic age to die at, but to be honest, Albert was not iconic at all,”…
Well, I Did It, I Got a Text From Every Democrat
A lot of people said it couldn’t be done. That there are too many Democrats; too many congressional races. There are too many state and local elections that you don’t even vote in, why would you receive text messages from those Democrats? To that I say…
Trump Offers Supreme Court $5000 Each to Change Mail-in Voting Decision
Jim Lo Scalzo/AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to the Supreme Court’s decision to block his mail voting restrictions for the midterms, on Tuesday Donald J. Trump offered the justices $5000 each to change their…
Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef
RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying…
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? “He must have an incredible sense of smell.” Ritche Acevedo, Menu Approver “Now imagine how unstoppable he’d…
Donald Trump Downplays AI Risk by Claiming It’s Much Lower Than the Risk of Being Sexually Assaulted by Donald Trump
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump responded to recent concerns about rogue artificial intelligence by claiming its risk is dwarfed by that of being sexually assaulted by President Donald Trump, sources report. “Any concern about AI destroying humanity…
Robert Kraft Demands Macklemore Be Removed From Playlist at Favorite Sex Trafficking Spa
JUPITER, Fla. — Human rights champion and all-around good guy, Robert Kraft, responded to Macklemore’s controversial pro-Palestinian views by demanding the artist’s music be removed from the playlist at “Sakura Dreams,” the business mogul’s favorite…
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump. Explore the list in detail…
Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed
NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of…