Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses
The post Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses appeared first on The Onion.
Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume
JOPLIN, MO—With any interest or passion dissolving from her face the moment her son started to recount his favorite arc from the 2006 shōnen series, local mother Debra Carlisle was reportedly spotted Saturday evening standing dead-eyed behind her son as…
Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-‘Art of Drowning’ AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to children who have listened to any AFI songs past their 2000 album “The Art of Drowning,” confused sources report. “It’s just common sense,” inhabitant Elias…
Millennial Psychopath Hides Motorola Razrs in Candy Apples
SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Local 37-year-old man Jay Myers is giving a classic urban legend a 21st-century makeover by putting 2004 Motorola Razrs inside candy apples and giving them to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters on Halloween, confirmed sources. “I wanted to…
Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game
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TBR Halloween Cartoon!
From New Yorker legend Tom Toro, a spooktacular zombie cartoon to get you in the Halloween spirit: Read more
Scooby-Doo Retires After Taking Skydance Buyout
BURBANK, CA—Calling the decision “bittersweet,” Scooby-Doo announced his retirement Friday after accepting a voluntary buyout from media conglomerate Skydance. “While I’ve loved all the years I’ve spent unmasking villains with my…
I Won’t Let My Son Play Football Because I Don’t Want Him In A Bisexual Love Triangle With The Head Cheerleader And Team Captain
As a parent, nothing’s more important to me than my child’s health and well-being. So when a fellow PTA mom asked me earlier this fall when my son was going to go out for the football team, I was aghast. Tackle football? Are you kidding me? Not for my…
NYSE Opens Spirit Realm Stock Trading For One Night A Year
NEW YORK—Donning antlers and hooded robes as a fawn’s entrails were spilled onto the raised platform of the bell podium, New York Stock Exchange officials continued their annual tradition Friday of opening spirit realm stock trading for one night of the…
LeBron Shortens Commute By Having Xfinity Arena Helicoptered To New York Every Morning
The post LeBron Shortens Commute By Having Xfinity Arena Helicoptered To New York Every Morning appeared first on The Onion.