Probably Not a Good Sign: Cannibal Corpse Just Announced Their Next Album Will Need To Be Refrigerated
Even if you’re only tangentially aware of death metal, you’ve heard of Cannibal Corpse. These infamous sickos emerged in the early nineties with pummeling tracks covering such gruesome subject matter as torture and necrophilia. With song titles like…
Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss
BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss,…
‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and…
Antichrist Deeply Uncomfortable With Perceived Connection to Peter Thiel
HELL — The Antichrist issued a sweeping denial of any relationship with Peter Thiel this Wednesday following numerous remarks made by the Silicon Valley billionaire that thrust the false prophet into the spotlight, fueling speculation that the two may…
Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of Future Where America Still Perfect
WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still…
Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors
President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the…
Unfit to Serve
Last week, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth made headlines by offering this vision of the military: “No fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals.” Inspired by this wisdom, we’ve complied our own list of people…
Dennis Hastert Dies
Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? “From the first couple sentences I’ve read…
NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake
NEW YORK—Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. “The first time you see all those zeroes in…
Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO…