I Read Moby Dick Cover To Cover, and I Still Have No Idea if He Hooked up With Natalie Portman
Call me Ishmael, because that is, after all, my name: Ishmael Simmons. Ever since 2017, when musician Moby claimed to have dated actor Natalie Portman in 1999, when they were 33 and 18, respectively, my heart has known but one obsessive desire — to know…
Tim Kurkjian Quits ‘Baseball Tonight’ After Discovering MMA
BRISTOL, CT—Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering “a little boy sport,” longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. “They can hit each other,…
Dark Horse Emerges In Competition For Most Insane Coworker
MARIETTA, GA—After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for…
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret
CULVER CITY, CA—Amidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely…
Pete Hegseth Announces All Young Men Will Be Drafted to Either RAW or SmackDown
WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of War Pete Hegseth held a press conference this week to clarify plans, as directed by the president, on how a military draft will be executed and organized. “It’s no secret that we already have the most…
Grieving Widower Not Sure He’ll Ever Love Someone His Age Again
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died, grieving widower Anthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure he’d ever love someone his age again. “Linda was truly one of a…
America’s Funniest Governor
Bettmann/Getty Images Last week when I paid tribute to Molly Ivins, many readers said they wished someone would do the same for Molly’s good friend and partner-in-liberalism, Texas Governor Ann Richards (1933-2006). Richards became instantly famous…
What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana A: To give…
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While…
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind,…