Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus
WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine…
University Administration Says They Could’ve Punished Cornell 7 More Severely Had Any of Them Said ‘Free Palestine’
ITHACA, NY — Cornell University announced they would’ve had more flexibility in taking disciplinary action against seven alleged rapists if they were accused of something truly egregious, such as showing support for Palestinians, sources confirm. “The…
Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat
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Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon
ATLANTA — Flock CEO Garrett Langley assured his employees that anyone who objects to constant surveillance by AI bots must be a domestic terrorist threat with something to hide because their company’s data is only shared with the FBI, DHS, NSA,…
Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors
Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do you think? “l, too, recently declared bankruptcy then got really into Funko Pops.” Amirah…
Eric Schmitt Confuses Ass with Hole in the Ground
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an embarrassing attempt at a “gotcha” moment in Tuesday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearings, Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) appeared to confuse his ass with a…
Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents
President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to “super intelligence” on all official documents, claiming that the term “artificial” made the technology sound fake. What do you think? “Even the Constitution?” Anton Pastranak, Systems Analyst “Why…
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of…
Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles
LOS ANGELES—Ripping apart the film’s “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he…
Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future
ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their…