Mix-up Sends Peter Cullen to Planet Transsexual and Tim Curry to Cybertron
THE AFTERLIFE — In what has been described as an administrative error of celestial proportions, the Grim Reaper has erroneously sent deceased Optimus Prime voice actor Peter Cullen to Planet Trannsexual, while actor Tim Curry was sent to Planet…
Lawyers Say Andrew Tate Rented Brother To Appear Loved Online
MIAMI—Saying the manosphere influencer vastly exaggerated aspects of his life in order to fabricate a social media persona, lawyers for Andrew Tate disclosed Thursday that he rented a brother to appear loved online. “Despite all the videos of…
Nation’s LGBTQ+ Community Forms Protective Circle Around Liza Minnelli and Cher
LOS ANGELES — In what is being called a state of emergency following the back-to-back deaths of Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, aging queer icons Liza Minnelli and Cher have been placed under protective custody by a large coalition of queer-identifying…
Fed-Up Rockstar Cancels ‘GTA VI’
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Shelving the game indefinitely after major spoilers about the plot leaked online, fed-up developers at Rockstar Games announced Thursday that the company was canceling Grand Theft Auto VI because “you fucking people don’t deserve…
NYU To Offer ‘Celebrity With a Podcast’ Major
NEW YORK — New York University recently started offering a major known as “Celebrity With a Podcast” after a survey found it to be one of the more inflation-proof careers, confirmed sources. “I was between this and Econ with a concentration in Family…
Date Name-Drops Creator Of ‘Beetle Bailey’
SEATTLE—Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. “You know, what you just said…
Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls
WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little…
U.S. National Debt Surpasses $40 Trillion
The U.S. national debt surpassed $40 trillion for the first time ever, with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent claiming the country can grow its way out of it. What do you think? “Maybe we didn’t need two Dakotas.” Penelope O’Conner, Doll Refurbisher…
Stephen Miller Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Stunning Himself with ICE Shock Gloves
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what was called “an experiment gone horribly awry,” on Thursday White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller tested a pair of ICE “shock gloves” on himself and inadvertently sent 380…
Political Profile: Natalie Harp
White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the…