Mark Duplass Announces Plans To Show His Dick in Whatever Project He Does Next
HOLLYWOOD — Director and actor Mark Duplass announced plans to display his “cock,” “two balls,” and if time permits, “juicy ass” in whatever project he does next, confirmed sources. “I’ve always felt very strongly that on-screen nudity should not feature…
6 Times Our Summer Crush Turned Out To Be the Hamburglar
Ah, summer love! Are there any two greater words in the world, aside from “Netflix password” and “Duff McKagan?” There is nothing quite like the thrilling, sweaty feeling of falling into a summertime fling, knowing that these few months of sticky, muggy,…
All the Reasons Tommy Tuberville Believes Abdul El-Sayed is a “Terrorist”
On Wednesday, Alabama senator and gubernatorial candidate Tommy Tuberville took to X to call Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed a “TERRORIST” and a “RADICAL ISLAMIST who will do everything he can to destroy America.” In a…
Descendents Appeal To Aging Fanbase With New Song ‘Milo Goes to Bed Before 10’
LOS ANGELES — Descendents fans lucky enough to attend the band’s recent show at the Hollywood Palladium were treated to a brand new song called “Milo Goes to Bed Before 10,” introduced by lead singer Milo Aukerman as “a song for all the fans who remember…
Oh Hell Yeah! New Mars Volta Reissue Comes with an Exoskeletal Junction Replica w/ Boxcar Cadaver Plus Cerpin Taxt’s Veil!
Later this year, the Mars Volta will be re-issuing their beloved debut LP De-loused in the Comatorium, remastered by Rick Rubin using a state-of-the-art AI-mastering website and featuring a 94-page booklet of diagrams and related treatises written in…
RFK Jr. Suggests Most Mental Illness Could Be Cured by Cheating on Your Wife All the Time
WASHINGTON — A new study regarding mental health conducted and written by Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. concluded that nearly all mental illnesses can be eradicated through cheating on your wife all of the time,…
Heartwarming: When This Guy Described Himself as an “Anarcho-Capitalist,” a Bird Shit Right Into His Mouth Immediately
In an age when the news cycle can feel like nothing but 24/7 gloom and doom, it’s easy to succumb to feelings of hopelessness and despair. It’s that exact backdrop that makes this uplifting story such a gift to the world — a rising tide of hope that…
Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work
The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion.
Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look young because of how thin and…
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think? “I can’t wait to scrutinize her comeback.” Jill…