Help! Nathan Fielder Still Doesn’t Know We’re in a Relationship
Put on a helmet and sit on the toilet because when you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to get so jealous you will shit out your ovaries or whatever you’ve got going on there and pass the fuck out. Okay, here goes: I am Nathan Fielder’s…
Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share
MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy…
More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction
The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do you think? “I never miss a chance…
Ew, Really? Apparently the Band From “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” Actually Exists
Alright, get ready to have your mind blown. You remember those Guitar Hero games from about twenty years ago? It seems like you couldn’t enter a dorm room or sleepover without seeing one of your friends holding a plastic guitar in front of a TV, trying…
Cheryl Hines Worries RFK Jr. Not the Collection of Neuroses, Dangerous Conspiratorial Thoughts She Married
WASHINGTON — Comedian and actor Cheryl Hines nervously worried that her husband, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was not the same collection of neuroses and dangerous conspiratorial thoughts he was when the two married,…
Tips For Detecting AI Scams
The FBI warns artificial intelligence is being exploited around the globe by criminals who use the technology for deception. The Onion shares tips for detecting AI scams. Check if the message is signed “Captain Robot.” Create a code word with…
Shawn Graham
Family and friends of Shawn Graham, 56, were shocked and saddened to learn that it costs $300 to submit an obituary to a newspaper. The post Shawn Graham appeared first on The Onion.
Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans
The post Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid. “I remember googling the word ‘stupid’ for the first time,…
Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse
WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse. This afternoon the president…