What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute?…
North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much…
Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins
NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts…
Trump Seeks to Avoid Losing in Texas by Returning it to Mexico
Vivian Arcidiacono on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fearing a humiliating midterm defeat in Texas, on Monday a desperate Donald J. Trump attempted to return the state to Mexico. Amid news that Texas would no longer be a part of the US,…
Opinion: If You Want to Fuck My Daughter, You’re Gonna Have to Fuck Me First
Think you’re gonna take my daughter out for a date? I know where your mind’s at, son. In the gutter, just like mine was at your age. All men are alike, from priests to paramedics, I know it. Mister, if you want to have a roll in the hay with my…
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were purchased after the release of Violent Femmes’ hit “Gone Daddy Gone” has been gathering dust since the early ’80s, sources confirmed. “The boys and I…
Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In
The post Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In appeared first on The Onion.
Jeep Owner With ‘Not All Who Wander Are Lost’ Tire Cover Proudly Hasn’t Left Home State in 30 Years
WALLINGFORD, Conn. — Local 48-year-old data analyst and father of three Joel Lafleur has never left the Constitution State despite being a proud owner of a Jeep with a “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” tire cover, sources confirmed. “I’m telling you,…
FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced a countrywide ban on the song “Mambo No.5,” citing its threat to the health of the nation, according to sources. “After banning some dangerous food additives like Red Dye No. 3 and…
The Private Haiku Journal of Pete Hegseth
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—You may think you know Pete Hegseth, the former “Fox & Friends” weekend host determined to rid the military of weirdos and beardos. But there’s another Pete—a sensitive,…