Pressing the Flesh
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What a Fucking Poser! This Guy Knows His Credit Score
There are certain expectations that come with being a punk, such as a love of music that the average citizen finds abrasive and unpleasant, and a general do-it-yourself ethic coupled with a rejection of societal norms and the capitalist institutions that…
Netflix Introduces New Economy Tier That Lets Users Just Scroll
LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix announced plans for a new economy plan that allows users to scroll through the homepage but prohibits them from watching anything, frugal sources confirmed. “We’re beyond excited to roll out this new, first-of-its-kind…
EPA Assures Public That Air Still Safe For Non-Breathing Applications
WASHINGTON—Claiming that concerns over pollution levels were vastly overblown, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a statement Tuesday assuring the public that the air was still safe for non-breathing applications. “The air quality is perfectly…
Grandpa Recalls Evolving Legs To Get To School
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—As he noted how coddled kids were nowadays compared with older generations, area grandfather Hank Hayes recalled Friday that when he was young, he had to evolve legs to get to school. “Back in my day, if you wanted an education, you…
Rockstar Lets Dying Fan Play ‘Grand Theft Auto III’
NEW YORK—Touched by his dedication and realizing his time was running tragically short, Rockstar Games allowed a dying fan to visit its office Wednesday and play Grand Theft Auto III from the comfort of a hospital bed. “When we heard about this…
Jung Kook Leaves BTS For Blue Man Group
SEOUL—Shocking fans with a move few saw coming, K-pop star Jung Kook confirmed in an interview Friday that he was leaving BTS for Blue Man Group. “BTS has been one heck of a ride, but it’s time for me to begin my next chapter,” said the 28-year-old…
You Chose Jim Jordan’s Stupidest Quote
Jordan, showing off how high he can count. (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) On Tuesday, I asked TBR voters to help choose the dumbest thing that newly-christened House Minority Leader Jim Jordan has ever said. As many readers observed, it was incredibly…
California Voters Reject Billionaire Tax
California voters rejected a ballot measure to impose a one-time, 5% tax on the net worth of billionaires in the state, defeating what would have been the nation’s first wealth tax. What do you think? “I tried to vote yes, but a guy kept holding up a…
Trump Calls On American Gladiators To Finish Iran War
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the time had come for the nation’s mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. “I am…