Crestfallen Chuck Schumer Admits the Baileys Support Chris Van Hollen for Majority Leader
MASSAPEQUA — On Friday morning, less than 24 hours after Sen. Chris Van Hollen announced he would challenge New York Sen. Chuck Schumer for Senate majority leader, Schumer held an impromptu press conference at Paddy’s Loft Restaurant & Pub to…
Student Inside Wake Forest Mascot Feels Costume Taking Over
DALLAS—Trembling with horror as an uncontrollable desire to amuse strangers seized control of his body, Wake Forest University sophomore Bennett Walker reportedly realized Saturday that the Demon Deacon mascot costume he was wearing had begun taking…
Heckuva Job, Trumpy
On Friday night, Trump ceded the podium to Beavis and Butthead. (Alex Wong/Getty Images) On Friday night, as the nation’s worst ground stop since 9/11 stranded millions of Americans, Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin declared,…
My Passion Is Helping the Women of Reddit by Posting About My Wife’s Experiences
Unlike most guys, who bond over things like protein, music, and how much protein is in music, my chosen community is r/CSectionCentral. I’ve always felt more comfortable around women than men, and as my wife, Angela, recovers from her own C-section, I’m…
Man in Everyone’s Way at Show No Matter Where He Stands
MINNEAPOLIS — Local 41-year-old Caleb Stein is literally in everyone’s goddamn way at a show no matter where he stands, sources within a five-foot radius of him have confirmed. “What is everyone’s problem tonight? It feels like I was secretly chosen to…
Trump Proposes Self as New Nvidia CEO, Citing Vast Experience with Infidelity
Trump said he was “not impressed” by Jensen Huang’s philandering credentials.(Photo: Andrew Harnik/Getty Images) WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On Friday Donald J. Trump claimed that he was the “perfect person” to…
Frontier Airlines Adds Special “FAA Ground Stop” Fee
DENVER — Frontier Airlines has added a special fee for passengers affected by today’s ground stop, sources report. “This fee will help us ensure our customers enjoy the top-level service they’ve come to expect from Frontier,” spokesperson Daniele Errett…
Timeline Of Foreign Spies In The U.S.
Throughout American history, nations of the world have engaged in espionage in an attempt to gain strategic leverage over the United States. The Onion takes a look back at key instances of foreign spies operating within U.S. borders. 1775 British guy…
Nvidia CEO Resigns After Affair With Suspected Spy
In a development that has plunged the linchpin of the AI economy into turmoil, Nvidia co-founder and CEO Jensen Huang resigned following affairs with both a suspected Chinese spy and a subordinate executive who reported to him. What do you think? “It’s…
Pressing the Flesh
The post Pressing the Flesh appeared first on The Onion.