High School Football Coach Has Good Feeling About New Player Called ‘Thunder Beef’
DANBURY, CT—Marveling aloud that he had rarely been so sure of an athlete’s unbridled potential, Huntington High School head football coach Michael McNeese said Monday he just had a good feeling about a new player that other kids on the team were…
What Middle Class Looks Like Now
Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What Middle Class Looks Like Now…
CDC Successfully Eradicates Children
ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children. The agency confirmed that children had been…
JD Vance Says Labor Day Should Celebrate Women who go Through Labor
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance stirred controversy on Monday by suggesting that Labor Day be a celebration of “women who go through labor.” “The woke mob has distorted the true meaning of…
I Paid Donald Trump $100K for Insider Trading Info and Now I Am the Leader of a Prison Ramen Cartel
My entire life I’ve always been a loser, and earlier this year I decided to do something about that. I was drowning in debt, and knew I had to change my life. So I did something drastic – I took a shot at becoming a real winner for once. I quit my job at…
Mick Jagger Assures Concerned Fans He’s Still Super Horny at 83
LONDON — The Rolling Stones’ venerable frontman insisted he’s as horny as ever during a press stop for their new album, according to nauseated reporters. “Apparently there are some slanderous allegations floating around claiming my signature libido is…
Absolutely Humiliating: This Death Metal Musician Just Got Raptured
We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Whether it was an awkward social interaction or a spilled coffee in the middle of a crowded Starbucks, everybody has, at one point or another, been kept up nights at the cringe-inducing…
Democrats Pass Anti-Flock Camera Bill Mandating All Flock Devices Wear Body Cameras
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats this week passed sweeping legislation requiring every Flock device in the country to be fitted with its own body camera, after months of grassroots organizing demanding the removal of the surveillance cameras from…
The GOP’s Worst Nightmare is Coming True
Republican Jon Husted wishes voters would forget about his association with the First Energy bribery scandal. Good luck with that. (Photo: Ohio Democrats) Happy Labor Day weekend—and welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature,…
No Shit! This Idyllic Small Town’s Dark Secret Is Racism
With autumn at our doorstep, so begins the annual migration into New England to take in the changing of the leaves, the quiet comfort of small-town bed and breakfasts, and appreciate the warmth of friendly locals. With these getaways becoming so popular,…