Help Me Choose The Stupidest Jim Jordan Quote
Jordan, showing off how high he can count. (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) In a bold attempt to alienate their few remaining voters, on Tuesday congressional Republicans elected as minority leader Rep. Jim Jordan, the nation’s foremost human…
Cybertruck Discontinued
Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the company’s self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think? “You’d think the market could find room for a bad, ugly…
Pros And Cons Of Unions
Support for unions in the United States is the highest it’s been in decades, prompted by the rise of AI and income inequality. The Onion examines the pros and cons of labor unions. PRO They’re the only reason you’re not handcuffed to a mine cart right…
Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend
LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA—Ranting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. “I’m…
Hegseth Puts Out Feelers To Other Militaries Just in Case
WASHINGTON—Amid criticism from both sides and a recent call for impeachment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has been updating his resume and putting out feelers to foreign militaries “just in case,” Pentagon insiders report. “I’m not afraid of…
Is Violence Becoming Too Political?
The post Is Violence Becoming Too Political? appeared first on The Onion.
New Amazon Drone Hovers Above Customer Until They Order Something
SEATTLE—With its announcement of a new technology that company executives touted as the future of online shopping, retail giant Amazon confirmed Thursday that it would launch a new fleet of drones that continuously hover above potential customers until…
Chuck Schumer Stands Naked in Front of Mirror Wearing MAGA Hat and Dick Tucked Between Legs
WASHINGTON — Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer’s entire staff threatened to quit today after walking in on him naked, standing in front of a mirror with his penis tucked between his legs while wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, weirded out…
Drummer Has Zoomies
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A recent show for death metal band Burning Rhino Carcass had to be delayed because their drummer was busy running around in circles like a dog, according to confused sources. “I’d like to apologize to my band and everyone in attendance…
Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity
MEMPHIS, TN—With a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity. “After many years where we didn’t know if we…