Heartwarming: When This Guy Described Himself as an “Anarcho-Capitalist,” a Bird Shit Right Into His Mouth Immediately
In an age when the news cycle can feel like nothing but 24/7 gloom and doom, it’s easy to succumb to feelings of hopelessness and despair. It’s that exact backdrop that makes this uplifting story such a gift to the world — a rising tide of hope that…
Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work
The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion.
Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look young because of how thin and…
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think? “I can’t wait to scrutinize her comeback.” Jill…
Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath…
The Onion’s Top State Fair Foods
As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onion’s top state fair foods. Smoked Carny Leg Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol’ Gulp From The Hose Tums Egg…
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda: The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough. The post Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda appeared first on The Onion.
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture
ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This…
Good Charlotte Demoted to Third-Or-Fourth-Worst Thing Madden Brothers Have Done
NEW YORK — A conclave of scene elders has announced that Good Charlotte, once the undisputed pariah of all things punk-adjacent, now ranks only “third or fourth” on the list of shitty things done by The Madden Brothers, after convening on recent layoffs…
New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money
WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible…