Trump Calls On American Gladiators To Finish Iran War
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the time had come for the nation’s mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. “I am…
Trump Names Unnamed Soldier ‘Trump’
WASHINGTON—In observance of Veterans Day, President Donald Trump visited Arlington National Cemetery on Wednesday and named the Unknown Soldier, also known as the Unnamed Soldier, “Trump.” “This soldier was a very brave soldier, okay? Very brave, and he…
Chinese Spy Running Out Of Excuses Not To Hang Out With JD Vance
WASHINGTON—Saying he was grasping at straws in his efforts to avoid spending any more one-on-one time with the American vice president, Chinese spy Simon Li told reporters Monday he was running out of excuses not to hang out with JD Vance. “I don’t know…
Jack Lowden Interviews For James Bond Job With AI Amazon Recruiter
LONDON—His heart sinking as he realized he hadn’t even been given the dignity of speaking with a real human being, actor Jack Lowden reportedly interviewed for Amazon’s open James Bond position on Thursday with an AI recruiter. “Um, yeah, it’s…
Groundbreaking New Test Assesses Dementia Risk by How Much You Like ‘Kokomo’
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Researchers from Yale University have announced a discovery they believe will revolutionize the assessment of a patient’s risk for developing degenerative conditions such as Alzheimer’s based solely on how much patients…
Oklahoma Bans Marrying For Love
OKLAHOMA CITY—In what is being hailed as a massive win for the state’s conservative lawmakers, the Oklahoma Legislature approved a new measure Tuesday that strictly bans marrying for love. “Marriage should be a holy union between a man and a woman who…
My Great-Grandparents Immigrated The Right Way By Killing 2 Americans And Assuming Their Identity
It might surprise you given my politics, but I have no problem with immigrants. Personally, I think America should welcome anyone who crosses our borders to make a better life for themselves. However, people who enter this country should do so through…
Rare Disorder Causes Man’s Immune System To Attack Portugal
BOULDER, CO—Saying that the disease’s sudden onset had completely upended his life, local man Jared Houk spoke to reporters Tuesday about the rare disorder that was causing his immune system to attack Portugal. “I was a completely healthy 30-year-old man…
Report: Sister’s Therapist Must Have Put Her Up To This
ST. LOUIS—Amid speculation over local sister Megan Hogan’s new inclination for “establishing boundaries,” sources confirmed Thursday that her therapist must have been the one to put her up to this. “There’s no way she’d ask to get coffee to discuss our…
It Won’t End Well for Stephen Miller
As Stephen Miller descends into Donald Trump’s Führerbunker, I’m joined by Jean Guerrero, author of the viral sensation Hatemonger: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump, and the White Nationalist Agenda. Jean reveals the malignant forces that…