Punk Venue Accused of Selling Out After Putting Door on Toilet Stall
FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing doors on its restroom stalls, according to pissed off sources. “It’s a disgrace,” said Keith Skum of local band The Skumz. “I walked in to take a leak…
David Lee Roth Band Fires David Lee Roth
PASADENA, Calif. — The David Lee Roth Band announced the immediate dismissal of lead singer David Lee Roth, confirmed sources. “Effective immediately, David Lee Roth has been removed as lead singer of the David Lee Roth Band, and the group has…
Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire
The post Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire appeared first on The Onion.
Feeld Romance Lasts Record Seven Days
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Feeld users are calling it nothing short of a miracle after a relationship between two people on the app somehow lasted an entire week, confirmed sources. “I’m as surprised as anyone. It started as a simple…
‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still
The post ‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still appeared first on The Onion.
Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator
LOS ANGELES—Smiling to himself as he reflected on all the years his mother and father had discouraged him from chasing his dream, local man Aaron Traylor told reporters Friday that his parents had been forced to eat crow ever since he made it as a…
Tips For Increasing Your Fiber Intake
Social media has ignited a recent surge in health-conscious Americans trying to up their fiber consumption. The Onion provides tips for maximizing the amount of fiber in your diet: Scrutinize food labels for phrases like “gut buster” and…
Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND—Holding hands in a circle as candles flickered and water glasses trembled, employees of film discovery platform Letterboxd reportedly held a séance Friday to ask James Dean his four favorite movies. “Spirit of Mr. Dean, we’ve got…
TBR Cartoon of the Week
TBR welcomes the acclaimed Paul Karasik as a contributing cartoonist! A two-time Eisner Award winner, Paul has published work in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Nation, and The New Yorker. You can help support Paul’s work here.…
Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries
Six Flags Magic Mountain permanently closed its famous X2 roller coaster due to a history of riders incurring brain injuries, with some resulting in death. What do you think? “You try selling a $27 fountain soda to someone with full cognitive function.”…