AOC Freezing Her Eggs
As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? “Give me a second to find a reason to be mad about…
Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now
Well, if it isn’t the fancy-pants house peddlers. How’s business going for you guys? Ah, so nobody can afford a home because boomers are hoarding all the wealth and asking for $800k for homes they’ve never updated. Yeah, that’ll happen! Oh, but of course…
Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle
BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C from a dirty vinyl needle, confirmed sources. “I just wanted to listen to my commemorative vinyl of the podcast ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’” said audiophile and sickly freak…
Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence
The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion.
Real Brian Thompson Assassin Having a Fucking Field Day Right Now
NEW YORK — Elliott Brock, the man who shot UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then allowed beloved dreamboat Luigi Mangione to take the fall, was reportedly over-the-moon excited by the news that Mangione has pleaded guilty and therefore secured his…
Opinion: Obsession Presents an Unrealistic Standard of How Many People Work at a Music Store
Curry Barker’s 2026 breakout hit Obsession has become an unmitigated Hollywood success story. Produced independently on a shoestring budget, the film has gone on to become one of the most popular horror films of the year. However, with its runaway…
Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers
Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Here’s everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To:…
Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence
Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think?…
Ms. Taylor and the Mailman
Apparently the main character’s mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie. The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion.
Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again
WASHINGTON—Coming to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husband’s exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself…