Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle
WASHINGTON—Thrashing about in his navy blue suit as dirty water seeped into his mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesday in a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip…
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books Since 1974, Stephen King has published more than 65 novels and novellas. The Onion identifies the horror master’s five best and five worst works. Explore the list in detail Best Small Cujo The follow-up to…
First Fully AI-Generated Feature Film Released In China
Sci-fi thriller Sanxingdui: Future Past, the first fully AI-generated feature film to receive a theatrical release, debuted in China, though ticket sales have been abysmal. What do you think? “Eh, I’ll wait until it’s forcibly implanted in…
Medical Miracle! Man Casually Listens to Ween
The curious case of Altoona, PA’s Matt Harper has garnered attention from several esteemed medical journals over the past few weeks, as doctors all around the world scramble to make sense of the self-proclaimed man who “sort of likes Ween”. Long…
Hollywood to Begin Working on New Horror Franchise ‘The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked’
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives confirmed that they are working on a new horror franchise called “The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked,” in a recent statement. “You know, as creatives we are always working on the next best thing that’ll totally blow…
Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll
LOS ANGELES—Discussing her craft in a wide-ranging interview with reporters, porcelain actress Annabelle opened up Tuesday about the struggle of being typecast as a haunted doll. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful to the Conjuring universe for…
Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy
The post Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy appeared first on The Onion.
Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus
ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they…
Ramaswamy Appears in New Ad With His Father
COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to close out his gubernatorial campaign on a positive note, on Wednesday Vivek Ramaswamy released a campaign ad featuring his father. Read more
Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession
Japan passed deeply unpopular revisions surrounding imperial succession that allows only males to ascend to emperor, snubbing the popular Japanese Princess Aiko from becoming empress. What do you think? “You’d think a 1,500-year-old monarchy could get…