SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think? “Brush it under Neptune. No one will ever…
Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer
WASHINGTON—With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to…
Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device. “A sweep by intelligence officials…
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride’s psychic predicted she’d find love, and sure enough, she will eventually. The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.
Your Own Goddamn House
Your Own Goddamn House: It’s your house. You paid for it. She can’t just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802 The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion.
Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment
The post Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment appeared first on The Onion.
Other Places the Secret Service Can Hide Trump
WASHINGTON—Building on their successful use of a catering truck to conceal Donald J. Trump after the recent NATO summit in Turkey, the Secret Service has drawn up a list of other places to hide the fearful president: TBR Question of the Day: Where…
Firefighter Goes to Town on Punching Bag He Taped Photo of Fire To
AKRON, Ohio — Letting out a series of strained, angry grunts, local firefighter Dean Portney absolutely went to town on a punching bag he taped a photo of fire to this past week, confirmed sources. “I just hate fire so, so much; but, as a firefighter,…
Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan
LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. “I’m just…
Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud…