Pros And Cons Of Democracy
Even after 250 years of government of the people, by the people, and for the people, democracy remains a hotly contested topic worldwide. The Onion examines the pros and cons of self-governance. PRO Still has alluringly exotic hint of Greece to it Just…
Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal
On this, the momentous anniversary of our nation’s founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be…
Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch
WASHINGTON—In a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week. “I am hereby authorizing the formation of America’s newest and…
Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasn’t Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall
HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politician’s respect for the average citizen’s privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who…
Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. “Our most recent survey…
What’s the Catch? Bananas Cheap as Fuck for Some Reason
Nowhere is the skyrocketing cost of living more evident than at the grocery store, where everything’s expensive, with one exception: bananas, which on average cost only twenty‑five cents. That’s basically free in this economy, and the fact that nobody…
Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic step of writing a strongly worded letter addressed to The Machine, confirmed sources. “We’re just as mad about the state of affairs as the rule-breakers. We…
John Fetterman Cedes Title of Most-Despised Democrat to Haley Stevens
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating philosophically that he “had a good run,” on Sunday Senator John Fetterman ceded the title of most-despised Democrat to Rep. Haley Stevens. Read more
A Very Nixon Halloween
The Richard Nixon Foundation When you’re living in the dystopian hellscape of 2026, the monsters of Halloween provide a welcome escape. Vampires, werewolves, and mummies are infinitely less alarming than Stephen Miller. With that in mind,…
How To Beat the Sunday Scaries by Realizing Time Is a Construct and Being Unemployed
Sunday gets a bad rap, despite being the one day when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk in public at 10 a.m. because football is on. For many people, though, there is no escaping that creeping realization as the days nears its end that they’ll have to…