The Truly Authentic Candidate
Erik Mclean on Unsplash This election cycle, political consultants have scoured the nation’s bars, pool halls, and tattoo parlors in search of the holy grail: The Truly Authentic Candidate™. But what, exactly, makes a candidate Truly…
Opinion: It’s Actually Punk as Shit To Sob While Watching ‘Over the Garden Wall’ Episode 9
Sup fuckers. Been hearin’ some murmurs throughout the basement (from MIDI drummers no less…which, like, those who squat in glass houses…) that I’m “soft.” There’s talk that I burst into tears during sound check because the arpeggio for our latest…
Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Accuse Antifa of Selling Them Shitty Cocaine
WASHINGTON — Eric and Donald Trump Jr. have assembled a multi-agency law enforcement coalition to find and arrest the alleged members of Antifa who sold them shitty cocaine last night, members of the intelligence committee have confirmed. “Last night, we…
Waymo Informs Woman’s Friends She Talked Shit About Them During Ride
LOS ANGELES — Tanya Corrigan was shocked to learn that a conversation she had in a Waymo car was recorded and sent to the friends she was criticizing, sources confirm. “I was utterly humiliated when Waymo sent what I said to my friends,” said Corrigan.…
5 Punk Albums You Need To Hear Before You Die Tomorrow
Bikini Kill — Reject All-American. Black Flag’s Damaged. Gang of Four’s Entertainment. With so much music, it’s impossible to listen to every great punk record in one short lifetime (for you especially). That’s why we’ve combed through hundreds of…
CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? “So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.” Lynn Mysyk, Boot…
Opinion: This Party Ain’t Big Enough for Two Fat Horror Movie Aficionados
In a different life, we could have amicably coexisted at a horror convention, our rank odors swirling together until Robert Englund found us repulsively indistinguishable. Unfortunately for you, I got to this board game night first, and I’m not about to…
Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake
With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like…
Powerball Adds Essay Section
CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in…
DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was.…