Other Places the Secret Service Can Hide Trump
WASHINGTON—Building on their successful use of a catering truck to conceal Donald J. Trump after the recent NATO summit in Turkey, the Secret Service has drawn up a list of other places to hide the fearful president: TBR Question of the Day: Where…
Firefighter Goes to Town on Punching Bag He Taped Photo of Fire To
AKRON, Ohio — Letting out a series of strained, angry grunts, local firefighter Dean Portney absolutely went to town on a punching bag he taped a photo of fire to this past week, confirmed sources. “I just hate fire so, so much; but, as a firefighter,…
Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan
LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. “I’m just…
Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud…
Nation Detecting…Cardamom?
WASHINGTON—After the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detecting…cardamom? “I’m definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite…
Timothy Burnett
Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.
Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time–Resistant Supernarcs
NEW YORK—Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time–resistant supernarcs. “Over the past decade, we’ve witnessed…
Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet
BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub…
Putin and Netanyahu Formalize Joint Ownership of Trump
Mikhail Svetlov/Getty Images MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—In what they described as a landmark deal, on Tuesday Russian President Vladimir Putin and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu formalized their joint ownership of Donald J. Trump. At a…
Zuckerberg Insists SOS Would Have Reached More Yachts if Endangered Boat Boosted It for $10
ALASKA — Mark Zuckerberg doubled down on claims that his yacht did not hear the distress call of a nearby skiff that had run out of fuel, insisting that the stranded vessel could have easily boosted engagement for just $10, oceaninc sources…