Nation Collectively Agrees Spelling Yanoplis Right Not Worth The Google
NEW ORLEANS — Millions of texts, emails, and DMs were misspelled over the weekend as the entire nation collectively decided that looking up the correct spelling of Milo Yanapopolis, the far-right influencer bizarrely arrested by ICE last Friday, was…
Opinion: The CIA Torture Playlist Is Actually Pretty Good
So I was recently on the lookout for a new playlist to listen to while I’m doing chores or getting my workouts in, and I found one that suits me pretty well. It was only after I had been using it for a few days that I learned of its true origins.…
Study Confirms Driving 30 Miles Over the Speed Limit While Smoking Marlboros and Listening to Motörhead Fucking Rules
GLASGOW, Mont. — An independent study by townie Clint McClusky revealed nothing in life fucks harder than driving 30 miles per hour over the speed limit while simultaneously chain-smoking Marboros and blasting Motörhead, everyone within a five-mile…
Mark Carney for President!
How come Canada gets a leader who’s a world-famous economist while we’re stuck with Natalie Harp’s barely-sentient boyfriend? Dean Obeidallah and I discuss the possibility of the USA becoming Canada’s eleventh province—and…
Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run
The post Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits
A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually. What do you think? “It doesn’t matter what they do, the papier-mâché…
Five Episodes of “Singled Out” That Convinced Me Not To Vaccinate My Child
If you’re of millennial age, you probably remember the dating show “Singled Out,” wherein a contestant whittled down a pool of 50 prospective dates, ultimately landing on one winner to accompany them on a trip. You also likely remember their co-host,…
Metallica Releases ‘The Unforgiven V’ After Losing Count
LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica released the new single “The Unforgiven V” after apparently losing count, sources report. “We’ve been putting out these songs for a while,” frontman James Hetfield noted. “I remember the first on our self-titled…
Men’s Wearhouse Suit Comes With New Interpol Album Pre-Loaded
HOUSTON — Just days after announcing it would ramp up efforts to not go bankrupt again, Men’s Wearhouse unveiled its sole Fall 2026 piece, a single-breasted, slim-fit, dinner-with-appetizers suit that comes pre-loaded with Interpol’s new album, “This…
Donald Trump To Rename New Mexico ‘State America’
WASHINGTON — In the latest move of his tireless patriotic renaming crusade, President Donald Trump announced this morning that the State of New Mexico will henceforth be known as “State America.” “State America. It’s big! It’s a big, strong name.…