Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer
The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call
After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear the call for help. What do you think? “Hasn’t he helped…
Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing Morrissey Impression Alone
RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home.…
Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Father’s Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball
APPLETON, WI—Wide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his father’s back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong…
Robert Plant Admits Hair Is Noodles
SHATTERFORD, England — Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant finally made a statement admitting that his hair is, in fact, noodles, confirmed sources who long suspected as much. “I’ve been afraid to tell people,” Plant shared while cleaning his hair using a…
Tips For Getting To School Safely
School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver…
The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond?
The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion.
Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again
The post Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again appeared first on The Onion.
ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves
ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? “Hopefully you can still opt in for the traditional beating.” Evilyn Hondo, Beet Slicer “They could also just rub…
Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends
CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could…