In Major Breakthrough, Israel and Hamas Agree that Kushner is a Dick
Leigh Vogel/Getty Images for Concordia Summit THE MIDDLE EAST (The Borowitz Report)—In what some experts are hailing as a major breakthrough, on Monday representatives of Israel and Hamas agreed that Jared Kushner is a dick. “We don’t…
The Next Trump? This IT Chud Keeps Threatening To Delete Civilization Game From My Work Laptop
If we lived in a country that wasn’t unmoored from morality and reality, President Trump’s genocidal threat to the Iranian people, “a whole civilization will die tonight,” would have inspired some soul-searching for more than one 24-hour news cycle. And…
MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops
TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers after snitching to the cops about a crime he had witnessed, sources report. “I was walking out of 7-Eleven and I saw some guy letting the air out of the tires of this…
The Perfect Replacement for Karoline Leavitt
Alex Wong/Getty Images The current White House has an impressively deep bench of liars. But it will be hard for Donald Trump to find one as prolific as that firehose of falsehoods, Karoline Leavitt. That’s why I decided to help him out. I’ve…
I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat
I’m the housecat in a two-bedroom shared by four 23-year-old numbskulls, and I’m here to tell my story. I am sick and tired of being told I don’t pay rent when I am constantly providing free therapy to you… Basically old children. I know you think I…
Israel Kills Five Hamas Insurgents Living Inside the Face of a Baby
KHAN YUNIS, Palestine — Five Hamas insurgents living inside the face of a nursing infant have been eliminated, IDF Lieutenant General Eyal Zamir announced at a press conference Monday. “Mom was hiding the insurgents in the baby’s face,” explained…
AOC Freezing Her Eggs
As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? “Give me a second to find a reason to be mad about…
Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now
Well, if it isn’t the fancy-pants house peddlers. How’s business going for you guys? Ah, so nobody can afford a home because boomers are hoarding all the wealth and asking for $800k for homes they’ve never updated. Yeah, that’ll happen! Oh, but of course…
Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle
BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C from a dirty vinyl needle, confirmed sources. “I just wanted to listen to my commemorative vinyl of the podcast ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’” said audiophile and sickly freak…
Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence
The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion.