A PHP Error was encountered

Severity: Notice

Message: Only variable references should be returned by reference

Filename: core/Common.php

Line Number: 257

Blowing Up Jay's Car - Humoro.us
Humoro.us - Submit your anonymous jokes here. We don't mind if they're really really bad.

Blowing up Jay's Car

If you know my friend Jay, you'll be able to jump right into this story and appreciate it. If you don't know my friend Jay, well, you should meet him :-) The only preface I'm going to give you is this: Jay's nickname is Juggs - don't ask why, it just is.

Back in 2003, Juggs started building out his immaculate 1998 Eclipse GSX with a bunch of goodies. New intercooler, new engine, new clutch, flywheel, turbo, intake manifold, head, and engine. Juggs's plan was to build a 10 second streetable machine. Juggs isn't a man that'd be satisfied just bolting up some new stuff, looking at the normal cast surfaces and calling it a day. No, no.... you don't know Juggs like we know Juggs. Juggs would have to make sure he got the best of the best turbocharger, suited perfectly for the application, complete with polished aluminum compressor housing, and polished stainless steel exhaust housing, The newest chromoly flywheel and the cleanest, nicest greddy intercooler on the market to go along with his powder coated IC piping, and full AEM fuel outfit. Nevermind the AEM EMS, and the Tial 44mm Inconel/Stainless Steel wastegate. After all, Juggs's car is very nice. Very clean. So, it didn't take Juggs long to figure out the kind of stuff he wanted for his Metallic Silver 1998 Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX.

Juggs started getting parts and pieces together. It took him a while to gather things, as anyone would suspect. You don't just go out and drop thousands on this kind of stuff - not when you're 21, anyway. Juggs aquired an extra block, crank, and pistons. I had a set of Crower rods that I had aquired through a guy I knew down in Texas. Unfortunately, they wouldn't fit my car, but they were perfect for Juggs, so he bought them off me. He was gathering some kick ass parts to build a motor. This place here in Lansing, VT Competition Engine Development, put this motor together for Juggs. The engine? perfect. Perfect bore, perfect hone - all computer controlled CNC engine equipment. A 2.3 liter stroked, bored, 4g63 engine. Assembled by the best engine builder I know - Pops - a guy with more years working on motors than I am old. And better yet, the engine came with a warrantee. Pops meticulously assembled this engine. It was, at any angle, perfect.

Juggs sold it.

He sold it to upgrade to the biggest and baddest engine of all that would fit into his Eclipse. Nick Wolgamott, who was a loose "friend" of ours (As someone I know would say - he's a friend, but probably not the kind you'd invite to dinner) had a 2.4 liter 4g64 block that he was building for some random project. I mean, it sounded pretty reasonable on the superficial level of it. Why go with "just a 2.3" when Juggs could have the ultimate; a 2.4L. the 4g64 was larger and more rare than a typical 4g63 engine. This engine was the shit, hands down. How could he lose? So, Juggs went for it. Hey, you see something, you do it, right?

So, Juggs paid Nick money to put this engine together. Nick had aquired the block through some shady deal, and had purchased pistons through a "contact" he had at a piston company, who specifically manufactured these pistons with the utmost care, for a naturally aspirated application. It had gas porting around the ring lands, high compression, extra oiling to the ring pack, and low tension rings. All this stuff for a naturally aspirated application.

So, over a weekend, Jay went and assisted Nick in building this motor. This engine was machined, and assembled in a weekend. A good, hard working weekend. I was busy cutting up my car, making it a RWD vehicle.

Jay spent the next several months gathering other components and pieces for his car. Over the winter, we put the engine in the car, along with the new head, the new turbo, the new wastegate, the new clutch, the new cams, the new titanium retainers, the new *everything*. Jay did not slack in any way with this car. *everything* was new. We started it up. It ran. It sounded good. It was the perfect forced induction street car. The angels played harps in heaven that day.

Over the next few weeks, as spring came about, Jay, Mark and I tuned the Eclipse. Even with the EMS software, Mark and I were able to put a nice tune on it, even if it took a few seconds longer than normal to start. We didn't have any issues other than that, and some idle control. The fuel looked great, the timing looked great. The car pulled hard, and was going to be fast. So, what was next? With 150 miles on the odometer, we took it to the track.

After getting to the track, we unloaded the car from the trailer, tech'd the car, and then decided to go for a spin on some country roads around Milan, Michigan. Mark and I are driving around, and the car feels good. Really good. Earlier in the day, we found a few leaks from the BOV needing a slight adjustment with it's bolts. So, we're doing about 40mph, and I get on the bas, and *poof*... smoke. Out from under the car. Pretty much everywhere, and the car is down on power. So, we pull over immediately, and the car is still running, but there's a miss. Clearly down a cylinder. So, we limp the car back to the track, and guess who's sitting there at the trailer? Yep, the schwazz that built the engine. At the time, we had no real idea what was wrong with it, but it was obvious to suspect that there was a mechanical issue with the car. So, I loaded up the car, strapped it down, and made it clear to Nick that I didn't want to talk to him, oh - and thanks for the motor. 'course, Nick, covering his own ass was like "nice job", but I didn't really care at that point. We took the car home, and started disassembly.

Jay and I took the car apart in about a week, and were just completely blown away with what came out of the block. We had four pistons. Well, they were slugs of aluminum that were pistons at one point in time, but they were far from it anymore.

The pistons were so awful, in fact, that #1 had a hole in it larger than a dime. Oh, and this wasn't a tuning issue hole created by detonation, no, this hole was in the SIDE of the piston, where there used to be a gas port to help the low-tension ring seal (in a naturally aspirated application) against the cylinder. Yeah, that was great fun. Basically, as we were driving around, the boost shoved itself down into this gas port, heated the area to it's melting point, and then melted through, pelting the oil in the engine with creamy warm pieces of aluminum. The #1 piston had also melted where the valve reliefs were cut in the piston, and the piston showed signs of curling at the four corners where the valve reliefs were. Great.

So, we started looking into it. Yep, the rings were wrong. Yep, the engine had gas ports. In addition to those "features", the pistons were so thin at the valve reliefs that it was amazing that the pistons didn't break into pieces. I'll have to see if I can find some more pictures of that stuff, but I mean, that was just completely assanine.

So, when questioned about the which pistons Nick used in the block, he lied. Nick had coveted these "super duper awesome" pistons that he had for his 2.4 for months, and then he "didn't put the pistons in Jay's motor" ? Okay, where did he put his special pistons, we all wanted to know. "VT Sold them" was Nick's response. To who? Nick couldn't remember.

We cut one of the pistons up, and showed it to Pops. Pops agreed that those pistons weren't for a turbocharged application. Okay, so Jay brought the pistons to Nick to prove to him that they were the wrong pistons. My brother Jake even took a look at them. Unfortunately, I wasn't there, but I think Nick suspected that the pistons blew due to improper tuning, and Jay mentioned that Nick said Mark and I didn't know how to tune a standalone. Right. Well, anyway, Nick and Jay compromised. Nick needed to give Jay money to pay him back for selling him something he knew was junk. That's when the fun began.

Jay persued Nick for months. Six or seven months, in fact, to try to get this money from Nick. During that time, Nick evaded, ignored, made up shit, and was generally a pain in the ass. Nick would stop responding to phone calls, so Jay would leave voicemails. When Nick stopped answering voicemails, Jay started IM'ing Nick. When Nick stopped responding to that, Jay would call up Nick's girlfriend. When she stopped responding, Jay would IM his girlfriend. When they broke up, Jay went back to IM'ing Nick. When Nick moved out to Detroit, Jay knew it. When Nick got fired (again,) Jay knew it. When Nick moved back to Lansing, Jay knew it. Jay kept tabs on Nick at all times. Not like he was spying on him or anything, but when you're the ex-roommate and "best friend" of the guy's girlfriend, it's not hard to get information you need anyway. That, and Jay's not the only person Nick has try to fuck in Nick's life.

Nick stopped responding to everything after telling Jay he'd get him his money. This was sometime in like February or March of 2005. So, Jay and I took it upon ourselves to stop by Nick's house for a visit. Now, mind you, Nick doesn't own his home, he lives with a friend of ours. So, we just went over to visit Warren. While I was checking out the new stuff Warren was doing to his car, Jay got an opportunity to talk to Nick. I'm sure it was uncomfortable, since Nick only like arguing when he thinks his stance, whether true or not, sounds better. Well, you can't really argue with a guy standing in your bedroom telling you he needs the money you owe him when you know you owe him that money because you sold him something you told him you didn't sell him. That, and the fact that Jay would *not* let up probably led Nick to just paying him off to get him to go away. That's okay, Nick deserved it.

So, Nick finally agreed to pay Jay within a week or two. Sure enough, that time passed, and Jay still didn't have his money. So, Jay and I were talking, and discussing ways of getting Nick to give him what was owed. I came up with an idea. "Jay, what about that Snap-On toolbox? I mean, you know Nick takes decent care of it, and it's worth more than what you need to get from him. Why don't you just ask him for that?" Hey, it was a thought. Well, it must have stuck with Jay, because he brought it up to Nick, who promptly came up with a bunch of horseshit as to why he couldn't give the toolbox to Jay. The way Jay saw it, Nick had no money anyway, so why not go after something that Nick had that was worth what Jay was owed.

Nick first came up with some crap about selling it to some guy. Well, if he sold it, then he'd have the cash to pay Jay back, right? Then it was "My toolbox has a title, and Snap-On holds the title until the box is paid off". Right, a title? Sure. I'm not sure what Jay did, but about a week later, I helped Jay unload his new toolbox. He sold it two days later for more than Nick owed him. He didn't make his money back on the block, but he did get the best of Nick.